FRIDAY:
Now that’s what I call a basketball revolution. Get ‘em boys!
The mighty Conrholio Speaks! But mostly he just stares
Avery Johnson just remembered who he was
Damnit ball, just leave me alone!
The CharlotteBobscraps: Sometimes I askmyself if it’s even worth putting this team on here, since they’ve probablybeen included on Bawful more times this season than anyone else. But if our goal is to focus purely oncomedy then look no further than these guys.
Playing the Buckaneers, they gave up 72 points in the paint(not a typo).
How do you let that happen to a team whose best post upplayer right now is Drew Gooden? Littering the court with banana peels would have provided better defensethan what the Bobscraps could muster. After witnessing this performance in Charlotte, I’m sure the crowdthrew plenty.
"You have to be tough-mined as well as physically toughand if you're not, those kinds of things happen," Bobcats coach Paul Silassaid. "You have to be experienced, too, and the majority of our guys arenot experienced. We have to learn and we have to get better. That's just wherewe are right now."
That has to be the most polite way of saying “my team sucks”I have ever heard.
Speaking of the Bobscraps, to make things interesting, theNBA should entertain the idea of letting them finish out the season in theWNBA.
At least that way they can battle the New York Liberty forthe 4th spot in the east, feel somewhat competitive, and only give up half as many points in thepaint.
The New York Bricks: Well, if they did one thing right onthis night, it was live up to their Bawful nickname.
When the going got tough, Toronto got going by unleashingthe most common of all basketball defenses to stump the Knicks.
They went zone.
And the results weren't pretty.
New York shot just 32 of 85(38 percent) and no Knicks player made more than six field goals.
Everyone knows that one of the best ways to beat a zonedefense is to hit your outside shots. Well, for NY they took plenty, and missed even more.
Going 5 for 28 from 3 point land (a percentage matchingAmare’s S.A.T. score for the reading comprehension section), the Knicks wereblown out in a game that was never in doubt.
According to the AP, this was also the first NBA game to bebroadcast in Mandarin for North America.
I could just see the job posting when they were looking for potentialbroadcasters on Craigslist:
WANTED: Mandarin Speaking BasketballCommentator for the Raptors
Must at least know how to say the following in Mandarin for 2½ hours a night:
- He’s coughed it up
- Offensive foul
- Raptors have cut the deficit to just 20 now
- Focus on the draft, gear up for next season
- Both teams played hard
- Calderon needs rogaine
- Bargnani at the buzzer! It’s no good
Contact us now! All applicantswelcome!
Detroit ThickSkins: Well they gotta havethick skin to put up with the type of criticism they must be getting thisseason.
They got blown out by the cHeat, and were down by as many as26.
"We knew exactly how they were going to defend us, butwe weren't able to do much against them," Detroit coach Lawrence Franksaid. "We kept trying to move the ball through the forest of hands, andthey were getting all kinds of tips and deflections.”
He also added “I, nor anyone on the team have any idea whatthe hell we’re doing out there.
Hopefully the fans don’t pick up on that”
Judging by the attendanceLawrence, I think they might have.
_allasMavericks: Since there was noD whatsoever on this night against the Spurs, as they let them shoot 49% fromthe floor, the Mavs got smashed 87-104. Not only was their D pathetic, they only managed to shoot 38% from thefloor themselves, blending the best of their 2003 era defense and 1997 offense.
Maybe they shoulda brought back thisman to help in the shooting department:
Getting crushed by the Spurs at their arena is one thing. SA does have one of the top home recordsin the league, but letting yourselves get your asses handed to you by THIS GUY:
In that case my friends, I can’t let you off the hook.
Ginger Face went off for 14 points, nailing 4 out of 5 fromthree point land. He did his bestNowitzki imitation from the perimter, while Dirk did his best Playoff Bonnerimitation in the third and fourth quarters.
Speaking of which…
The GermanBomber: And bombed, Dirkdid. After starting the game 4-6from the floor, it felt like the Spurs were going to be in for another night ofrapage from Dirk who was scorching in that first quarter.
Then San Antonio switched StephenJackson as well as Boris Diaw on him.
Dirk finished the night going a season worst 5-21 from thefield.
Dirk saw Diaw guarding him and probably thought he was goingto get eaten alive. Literally.
Lamar Odumb: Earning the first DNP-CD of hiscareer, this guy finds all kinds of ways to hit a new low. What was once seen as a huge steal forDallas at the beginning of the season, has now become a total distraction.
It was already bad enough that his wife wouldn’t let himtake off his warm ups in bed, but now the Mavs too?
*shakes head*
Vince Quitter: In 24 bawful minutes, he managed to havejust as many turnovers as field goals (one) for a total of 3 points.
As a matter of fact, D-League prospect Eric Dawson managedmore points in one minute (6) thanVince the Wince managed in 24.
Hopefully Dawson enjoyed hisJeremy Lin moment.
Minny T-Pups: This gamehad 95% of an epic story with a happy ending for Kevin Love, who had a careerhigh 51 point night to go with 14 rebounds against the top Western seededThunder.
The Wolves, who had lost Rubio a few weeks ago, had nobusiness being in the game. The Thunder allowed Love to shoot 60% from thefloor, including 7-11 from 3 point land.
The Thunder tried everything they could to stop him:double/triple teaming, having Ibaka and Perkins smother him, and playing thelatest Ringo Starr album at an obnoxiously high volume.
But none of that worked.
So how do you ask, do the T-Pups find themselves in ourWorst of the Weekend selection? Well that’s easy:
Kudos to Love, but this gem must have made him pretty sore afterwards:
"That's my man, my main guy. Definitely talking trash out there, especially after he hit the one right in my face,"
"He said, 'In your face.' He just kept pointing, like, 'In your face, in your face.'"
No Kevin, in your face.
I’m not the only one who felt bad for the T-Pups, after the game Beasley made sure everyone was consoled and taken care of:
Considering how much he meant to the franchise in the past as a veteran leader and clutch shooter, Fisher was pretty butt-hurt for getting traded.
Ladies and Gentlemen, now I give you your 2012 Derek Fisher!
Going 2-11 from the floor, with just 5 points and 3 assists in 36 minutes, Fisher was really killing the Thunder out there. Bricks after brick after brick.
He’s old and slower than ever, but now you can really see how much Sessions is an upgrade for the Lakers if this is what they had before. I’m sure Fisher will have better games, but this season has been awful for him as he’s averaging career lows across the board.
Now, some people felt there were many times where he looked like the worst Laker on the floor earlier this season, but I’m thinking what he’s doing now is better for the Lakers than anything else he’s done for them since 2010.
He’s sabotaging the Thunder!
That’s gotta be it right? I wonder if when Fisher told Houston that he wanted a buyout and was willing to sacrifice 3.4 Million dollars that Kevin McHale popped out of that mine shaft and went “Yesssssss”.
You hope Scott Brooks won’t trust Fisher with that many minutes a night on a consistent basis, but then again, it is Scott Brooks.
SATURDAY:
Bitch, I’m a YELLOW BELT
Goran Dragic reacts to DirkNowitzki spoiling the second season of Gameof Thrones
Coach Whittman: Did you guys know that the longest amountof time I’ve spent with a woman was an hour and 10 minutes? Keep in mind that also factors indaylight savings.
Yao Ming doing what he did best during his years forHouston: sitting on the sideline in street clothes.
The Grizz: Well, I am expecting a dead coachbounce effect to happen any day for the Clippers as Vinny finds himself on thehot seat more and more. Looks likethe Clippers got a head start by pounding the Bernstein Bears jumping out to a33-17 first quarter lead and never looking back.
In regards to Vinny, this is what Griffin had to say:
"Somebody kind of told me what was being said abouthim, but we're all behind him (especiallyif Vinny is on the edge of a cliff) and we've got to keep it thatway," Griffin said. "I don't know how much we've taken from hispersonality (judging by their record,probably a lot), but he's an energetic coach and obviously we want to playthat way. Sometimes we haven't, but we just need to keep buying in, andeverybody needs to believe in each other."
The Grizz have now lost 5 out of their last 6. If Coach Hollins is aiming for anothertank for the 8th seed to face OKC, he’s doing a great job.
The CharlotteBobscraps: Oh hey Bobscraps! Long time, no see.
In a battle of the impotents, the Nyets and Bobscraps wentall out in boring the fans as Williams and co. cruised to an easy 102-89victory. Things have become sofrustrating for “Coach” Silas that he didn’t even bother to coach this game,instead letting his son Stephen Silas take over.
And in true father like son fashion, the results weren’t anydifferent.
Desagna Diop and Najera missed the game for Charlotte due toinjuries….all of their teammates were jealous.
Toronto Craptors: Playing a depleted Bulls team, theCraps looked like they had the perfect chance to steal a game at the UnitedCenter. They were up one, with Amir Johnson at the line shooting free throwswith 15 seconds to go.
As expected, Johnson missed both free throws, setting theBulls up for one last play.
Without leaking the script, I’m sure you can guess whathappened:
Bulls post game reaction (via AP):
"We're lucky we had enough time to get therebound," Deng said. "When it left my hand it felt good because I sawthe light after it left my hand. But then again, you never really know. Wewaited until they made the decision."
Craptors post game reaction (via AP):
From AP Recap:
On any other night, David Lee's 5-second violation in the final moments might've cost the Golden State Warriors a win. It was the kind of head-scratching turnover almost nobody can top.
Except the Sacramento Kings.
Isaiah Thomas dribbled the ball of his leg attempting a crossover against Lee on the next possession, handing the Warriors a 111-108 victory in a turnover-filled finish typical of two teams at the bottom of the Pacific Division.
Look no further than the play by play to get an idea of what happened:
If BasketBawful ever gets James Cameron to put out a filmbased on this blog, the last 3 minutes of that fourth quarter should garner anacademy award.
Bawful favorite DeMarcus Cousins had a monster game of 28and 18. However, when the guy youbuild around makes plays like this on a weekly basis:
It’s no surprise that the Queens find themselves on thelosing end of a lot of games.
SUNDAY:
Here’s my number, I’m in room 321
Kyrie: Why the hell is this guy holding my hand?
Rondo getting into character to play Jaffar in the new Aladdinmusical
The Cavadeers: Well, mama always told me there wouldbe days like these.
She justdidn’t tell me that they’d be this embarrassing.
The Cavs got blown out by the Suns who trailed by as many as28. Shooting just 38% from thegame, Cleveland was never even close in this one.
Marcin Gortat scored the first 10 points, as theSuns just ripped through this one for the easy victory.
"He ate us alive," Byron Scott said. "I don'tknow if Tristan didn't know that much about him or if he didn't realize thatthe guy is a pretty good player. Gortat has been playing well all seasonlong."
Wait, don’t all NBA teams have a scouting staff? So you knowwhich players to key in on? Notsaying that Tristan shouldn’t know about Gortat, but you’d think they’d discussthis in the gameplan somewhere? Right?
But then again the words “Cavs” and “Gameplan” have neverbeen used in the same sentence until now.
Denver McNuggets: Insteadof focusing on the Nuggs getting their butts whooped, let’s focus on whatreally makes Denver so fun and exciting this season (even if for all the wrongreasons):
JaVale McGee!
According to buzzfeed.com here are 21 reasons why you shouldfollow McGee on twitter. Theseinclude his views on health, gender inequality, gangster mothers, owning a DJRoomba (!), and how Jack n Jill was apparently hilarious:
And we’re not done yet, here’s Javale McGee getting heckledby a donkey:
At this rate he should change his name from JaVale McGee toJaVale Magoo.
Philly 1776’ers: Prior to this game, Philly’s record ingames played in San Antonio was a tidy 1-23 since the 1987 season.
Juding by that statistic, you’d think the Sixers wouldrename the Spurs arena to “San Antonio’s Bedroom” since that’s where they like to go when they wanna get f*ckedin SA.
And boy, did they ever.
Managing just 41% shooting to a Spurs team playing its thirdgame in just as many nights, the Sixers got blown out in the second half. Scoring just 27 points in the secondhalf would’ve been great for 1942, but 2012?…..not so much.
I get that the Sixers had no Iggy, but San Antonio playedsans Duncan (DNP-OLD).
The Sixers had to deal with the monstrous frontline for theSpurs that ended up being the Turd Towers (Bonner/Blair). To make matters worse, Philly shot just 45% from the freethrow line.
Looks like those Shaquille O’Neal Free Throw Shooting Kitsreally do work:
ON SALE NOW!
Utah Mormons: You know what sucks more than sitting through 4quarters of a Jazz/Hawks game?
Sitting through 4 quarters and four overtimes of a Jazz/Hawks game.
This was a game that saw 136missed shots, 82 free throws, 68 fouls, and 54 minutes of Zaza Pachulia.
And have I mentioned that theteams were a combined 2 of 16 from the field in the first overtime?
Theircombined four points tied for 2nd-fewest in NBAhistory in an overtime period.
Best news for the Mormons wholost after slugging it out for all those minutes?
They get to play again Mondaynight.
Miami cHeat: Well that was awesome.
The Heat got outrebounded, outshot, and outclassed all theway to a 87-103 loss to the Thunder.
It’s one thing when you letDurant (11-20 from the field, 28 points) murder you, but letting KENDRICK FREAKIN’ PERKINS go 8-11 from thefield?!?!?
Then again, if I saw a guy wholooked like this,I’d probably let him do whatever he wanted around the basket too.
In other Heat news, AntoineWalker was forced to sell his championshipring thanks to racking nearly $13 Million in debt.
Life hasn’t been too kind toWalker in recent years. This was the same guy who unfortunately got robbed a fewyears ago at gunpoint.
If there’s a positive about thatstory, it’s that it marked the only time Walker didn’t allow his man to get ashot off.
Derek Fisher: His name belongs here because he had just as manypoints in 18 minutes in this game as I did from my couch. Not to go overboard with the Fisherlooking old thing, but let’s be serious for a second. On the court this guy looks like he’s just a few weeks away from wearingthose old man diapers.
If the Thunder go on to win thechampionship, you know they’ll play up the whole “veteran presence” angle for Fisher.
I can just see the tagline forthe Thunder Championship DVD featuring Fisher and the rest of the team:
They changed his diapers, he changed their lives.
Should be a Disney film in notime.
Los Angeles Flakers: Taking on the Care Bears, the Lakers kept it relatively closein the third quarter, but slowly let the game slip away, falling to the Grizz 96-102.
Shooting 40% against a potentialplayoff opponent just isn’t going to cut it. Since acquiring Sessions, the Lakers are officially playing.500 ball (3-3 since the trade).
Kobe Bryant getting benched courtesy of Mike B:
Despite the Lakers getting strongshooting percentages from Kobe and Bynum, Gasol’s 4-14, and Metta WorldPeace Ron Artest going 2-9 is just asking for a loss in the worst kind ofway.
Speaking of Ron Artest, I closethis novel of a post with a trip down memory lane:
Hope you all had a great weekend.
Chris's Lacktation Report:
Friday:
Cavs-Magic: Semih Erden bricked once in 8:35 for a +1.
Meanwhile, Daniel Orton dropped a piece of masonry on Lake Eola in 119
seconds and also lost the rock once for a +2 and a 1:0 Madsen-level
Voskuhl.
Suns-Pacers: Indiana's AJ Price cashed a quick cartridge exchange at
Gamestop for just 8 seconds for a SUPER MARIO!
Nyets-Hawks: New Jersey's Sundiata Gaines had 16 seconds to evade Koopa
shells for a Mario.
Meanwhile, Jason Collins countered 2 boards in 13:45 with three fouls
and two bricks for a 3:2 Voskuhl, and Jerry Stackhouse stacked up 2.7
trillion worth of bank notes (164 seconds).
Heat-Pistons: James Jones hit a jackpot at the MGM Grand with a 7.6
trillion (455 seconds).
Celtics-Sixers: Sam Young earned Philly a cool exact 2 trillion!
Wolves-Thunder: Anthony Randolph lost the rock once in 44 seconds for a
+1 and Mario, while fellow puppy Brad Miller negated an assist with a
foul in 3:46 for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.
Mavs-Spurs: Brian Cardinal fouled once in 260 seconds for a +1, the
same suck differential Dominique Jones earned in 124 seconds via brick.
San Antonio's Boris Diaw dished out perfection from the field (on one
attempt) and three boards in 15:53 only to foul four times and lose the
rock twice for a 6:5 Voskuhl.
Nuggets-Jazz: Denver's Julyan Stone prospected a cool 2.4 trillion (144
seconds).
Enes Kanter was musical from one attempt on the field in 7:43, but that
and a board could not overcome two fouls and turnovers in a 4:3 Voskuhl.
Frail Blazers-Lakers: Troy Murphy mired himself in a +1 via foul in 160
seconds that also earned a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.
Meanwhile, Daniel Orton dropped a piece of masonry on Lake Eola in 119
seconds and also lost the rock once for a +2 and a 1:0 Madsen-level
Voskuhl.
Suns-Pacers: Indiana's AJ Price cashed a quick cartridge exchange at
Gamestop for just 8 seconds for a SUPER MARIO!
Nyets-Hawks: New Jersey's Sundiata Gaines had 16 seconds to evade Koopa
shells for a Mario.
Meanwhile, Jason Collins countered 2 boards in 13:45 with three fouls
and two bricks for a 3:2 Voskuhl, and Jerry Stackhouse stacked up 2.7
trillion worth of bank notes (164 seconds).
Heat-Pistons: James Jones hit a jackpot at the MGM Grand with a 7.6
trillion (455 seconds).
Celtics-Sixers: Sam Young earned Philly a cool exact 2 trillion!
Wolves-Thunder: Anthony Randolph lost the rock once in 44 seconds for a
+1 and Mario, while fellow puppy Brad Miller negated an assist with a
foul in 3:46 for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.
Mavs-Spurs: Brian Cardinal fouled once in 260 seconds for a +1, the
same suck differential Dominique Jones earned in 124 seconds via brick.
San Antonio's Boris Diaw dished out perfection from the field (on one
attempt) and three boards in 15:53 only to foul four times and lose the
rock twice for a 6:5 Voskuhl.
Nuggets-Jazz: Denver's Julyan Stone prospected a cool 2.4 trillion (144
seconds).
Enes Kanter was musical from one attempt on the field in 7:43, but that
and a board could not overcome two fouls and turnovers in a 4:3 Voskuhl.
Frail Blazers-Lakers: Troy Murphy mired himself in a +1 via foul in 160
seconds that also earned a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.
Saturday:
Grizzlies-Clippers: Trey Thompkins lost the rock once in 91 seconds to
give Donald Sterling a +1.
Hawks-Generals: Jason Collins provided the dirty birds with 6.2
trillion in celebratory cash (374 seconds).
Bobcats-Nyets: Cory Higgins can buy new shoes with his 1.7 trillion
payday (102 seconds).
In that same timespan, Sundiata Gaines bricked once for a +1 and Jerry
Smith also collected cash, but in the form of rubles.
Mavs-Rockets: Houston's Courtney Fortson bricked twice (once from
[downtown Houston]) and fouled in 264 seconds for a +3.
Purple Paupers-Warriors: East Oakland's Jeremy Tyler trashed one board
and field goal in 9:58 with four fouls and a turnover to earn a 5:3
Voskuhl.
give Donald Sterling a +1.
Hawks-Generals: Jason Collins provided the dirty birds with 6.2
trillion in celebratory cash (374 seconds).
Bobcats-Nyets: Cory Higgins can buy new shoes with his 1.7 trillion
payday (102 seconds).
In that same timespan, Sundiata Gaines bricked once for a +1 and Jerry
Smith also collected cash, but in the form of rubles.
Mavs-Rockets: Houston's Courtney Fortson bricked twice (once from
[downtown Houston]) and fouled in 264 seconds for a +3.
Purple Paupers-Warriors: East Oakland's Jeremy Tyler trashed one board
and field goal in 9:58 with four fouls and a turnover to earn a 5:3
Voskuhl.
Sunday:
Generals-Celtics: Edwin Ubiles was unproductive in 344 seconds with a +2 via bricks for Washington.
Meanwhile, E'Twaun Moore (via foul in 171 seconds) and JaJuan Johnson (via brick in 167 seconds) each earned +1 suck differentails for Boston, and Sasha Pavlovic took home a 2.8 trillion (167 seconds).
Jazz-Hawks: Just because it took FOUR overtimes to resolve this game doesn't mean Jason Collins can't do his normal stuff for Atlanta, managing only one assist in 8:38 that was marred by a near-foulout for a 5:0 Voskuhl.
El (Oh El) Heat-Thunder: James Jones jacked up three bricks, with two from...Bricktown...to earn a +3 in 216 seconds.
Nick Collison was perfect on a singular attempt from the field in 18:34 but fouled and bricked twice each for a 4:2 Voskuhl. Reggie Jackson slugged one visit to Bricktown in 74 seconds for a +1 - the same timespan it took Cole Aldrich and Royal Ivey to bring home 1.4 trillion! Also striking it rich was Lazar Hayward with a 2 trillion (119 seconds).
Warriors-Frail Blazers: Jeremy Tyler toiled as East Oakland's starting big man, botching two boards in 8:41 with 3 fouls for a 3:2 Voskuhl. Mickell Gladness unhappily bricked once and fouled thricely in 238 seconds for a +4 and a 3:0 Voskuhl, and Keith Benson banked a 4 trillion (242 seconds).
Grizzlies-Lakers: Dante Cunningham culled a single piece of masonry in 64 seconds for a +1.
The Lakers matched that suck differential with Troy Murphy's brick from Olvera Street in 305 seconds.
Meanwhile, E'Twaun Moore (via foul in 171 seconds) and JaJuan Johnson (via brick in 167 seconds) each earned +1 suck differentails for Boston, and Sasha Pavlovic took home a 2.8 trillion (167 seconds).
Jazz-Hawks: Just because it took FOUR overtimes to resolve this game doesn't mean Jason Collins can't do his normal stuff for Atlanta, managing only one assist in 8:38 that was marred by a near-foulout for a 5:0 Voskuhl.
El (Oh El) Heat-Thunder: James Jones jacked up three bricks, with two from...Bricktown...to earn a +3 in 216 seconds.
Nick Collison was perfect on a singular attempt from the field in 18:34 but fouled and bricked twice each for a 4:2 Voskuhl. Reggie Jackson slugged one visit to Bricktown in 74 seconds for a +1 - the same timespan it took Cole Aldrich and Royal Ivey to bring home 1.4 trillion! Also striking it rich was Lazar Hayward with a 2 trillion (119 seconds).
Warriors-Frail Blazers: Jeremy Tyler toiled as East Oakland's starting big man, botching two boards in 8:41 with 3 fouls for a 3:2 Voskuhl. Mickell Gladness unhappily bricked once and fouled thricely in 238 seconds for a +4 and a 3:0 Voskuhl, and Keith Benson banked a 4 trillion (242 seconds).
Grizzlies-Lakers: Dante Cunningham culled a single piece of masonry in 64 seconds for a +1.
The Lakers matched that suck differential with Troy Murphy's brick from Olvera Street in 305 seconds.
